An Open Letter To Paul Sitzman, My Brother

An Open Letter To Paul Sitzman, My Brother:
If you are reading this, you are probably on your fancy trip to Japan, China, and India (you lucky, despicable creep). Since I can’t be there, I’ll just have to live vicariously through you. For that reason, I will be deeply, deeply disappointed if you don’t do or haven’t done the following things:
1. Sing a karaoke version of “(What’s So Funny ‘Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding” in a Tokyo karaoke bar, preferably accompanied by Scarlet Johannson
2. Use your powers as a warrior (and an Orientalizing Imperialist, if you’re a lit. theory freak) to teach some honorable but nevertheless anachronistic samurai warriors how to fight for their freedom and try to overcome the challenges of modernity
3. Turn into an anime character and show a creepy smile with your eyes closed…just for a bit, at least
4. Get involved in a medium-speed pursuit while riding in a rickshaw or, better yet…
5. while driving a rickshaw!
6. Get “Shanghaied,” whatever that means
7. Commit seppuku, especially if you can manage to do it in front of an emperor (any will due) or at least a crowd of Asian Tourists With Cameras (any will do)
8. Eat food that makes you have do use the john with the flaming force of a thousand demons, only to discover that the bathroom has no toilet paper
9. Wear a Coca-Cola shirt with the logo written in Sanskrit
10. Take part in a colorful and ostentatious, yet supposedly impromptu musical number (you’ll get extra respect points for each of the following items you include in your personal accessories while singing: neon clothing, peace fingers, a smirk, a skateboard, a basketball, a high-pitched voice, Reebok Pump high-tops, Ray-bans, and any sort of pan-out camera shot depicting you spinning in circles with your arms extended)
Good luck, and take lots of pictures, you lucky, lucky rat.
Your Brother.

The following two tabs change content below.


Errand-Running Monkey at Sitzblog
Hey! I'm Ryan Sitzman, the person in charge of Sitzblog. If you want to know more about me, you can check out my profile on Google or go to my personal site, You can also click on any of the redundant little boxes to the left and it should take you to my profiles for all kinds of social networks. Thanks!

Latest posts by Sitzman (see all)