"The Gift That Keeps On Giving": A Play in One Act

Cast of Characters:
Jane: A charming young woman, with tragic taste in Fathers’ Day gifts
Pete: A charming young man, swashbuckler
Orange Julius Crier
Beautiful Girl
Mall Patrons and/or Dregs of Society

Scene: “Suburbia, U.S.A.”

Act I, Scene 1

As the curtain rises, we see a bench at a mall. There is hustle, bustle, and the sound of the criers at Orange Julius offering their wares. 

Orange Julius Crier (From offstage): Juliuses! Juliuses! Orange and Strawberry Juliuses, now on offer to tempt your taste buds! We also have hot dogs! 
(The voice of the crier fades out, and we see our two protagonists enter the stage from opposing sides. Jane is preoccupied sending a text message, and Pete gets temporarily distracted by a beautiful girl working at the Lady Foot Locker. As they move closer, they finally see each other.)

Jane: Hey Pete! Pete! What’s up?

Pete: Oh, hi Jane! Not much. Say, what’s that you’ve got in that bag there?

Jane: Oh, this? It’s a tie that looks like a piano keyboard. It’s Fathers’ Day, remember? I’m going to give it to my dad later today.

Pete: Another tie that looks like a piano keyboard?? I hope you’re going to be giving him some sort of alcohol first, to numb his senses and help him forget what a disappointing gift-giver his daughter’s become!

Jane: Well, there’s no need to be mean about it, but you’re right, actually. I know that my father’s a traveling magician and keyboard player, but I think he’s been faking his enthusiasm about the last couple of keyboard ties I gave him. But I just can’t think of anything better! What e’er shall I do?!

Pete: Gosh, Jane, looks like you’ve got yourself tied up, but I think I just might have the solution for you! 

Jane: Oh, if you could help me, I’d owe you so big time.

Pete: I have the perfect gift for you; why not get your old man a lovely set of German loanwords from the Sitzman ABC Platinum Collection?

Jane: Pete, that’s the perfect Fathers’ Day gift, obviously, but how will I ever be able to afford it? Will I have to sell my hair to get money to buy those German loanwords? They must cost a fortune!

Pete: Absolutely not–you get to keep that lovely hair right on your head! That’s the best thing about the Platinum Collection at Sitzman ABC: It’s completely free! So instead of giving your dad some crappy tie, why not give him something he’ll use and enjoy? The Platinum Collection from Sitzman ABC has so many wonderful, elegant German loanwords, and they’re all gathered together into one convenient package. It’s got almost too many words to mention here, but you’ll get beautiful words like kindergarten, delicatessen, realpolitik, angst, gesundheit…

Jane (interrupts excitedly): What about schadenfreude?

Pete: You bet your ass you get schadenfreude

Jane: I’m sold! I’d better get there soon–but where’s there store? The mall maps are always so hard to read! 

Pete: Jane, that’s the best part! The German loanwords collection from Sitzman ABC‘s Platinum Collection is available exclusively online at Sitzman ABC, which means that you won’t have to go to the mall and interact with the dregs of society just to get a decent Fathers’ Day gift!
(They hold hands, and turn together and walk slowly towards the mall exit.)

Jane: Oh, Pete, that’s wonderful! (Pause) And I know you’ll make a great father, too!

Pete: A great… a great… whaaat?

Jane (quietly, looking down): A father, Pete.

Pete (perplexed, almost in a whisper): But how can this be?

Jane: I think you know how, Pete.

Pete: I told you that drinking coconut milk and chamomile tea wasn’t a form of birth control! Ach, Scheiße!
(As they quietly walk out of the mall, the curtain drops.) 
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